The deeper side of life.

Small. Large.
Tall. Short.
"Skinny" v. "Overweight".
Beautiful v. Ugly. 
Brunette v. Blonde.
Airbrushed v. Photoshopped.

Our society today has engrained a stigma into the girls of my generation's brains. We millennial children have had to grow up with the ever populating trend of being "thin is in" mindset. From Facebook, Twitter, magazines, and tv... we have never been able to get away from it. With that, our culture has created a monster. It has created a thought in almost every female's head "Im not as _________ enough as ______." You can fill in the blanks.

If it's one thing that I have learned over the years, it's that in our society it really is difficult to TRULY love who you are and how you are made. I love my mother to pieces ... but like her mother she engrained a permanent thought into my head. The thought being that I am not small enough, or the size that I need to be to be considered "skinny" or small. I catch myself saying it all the time "I can't wear a single thing in my closet...." or "UGH I have gained so much weight" and my favorite "I just can't even look at myself in the mirror... I look like a whale." I have always felt like I have struggled with being a "bigger" person. I have what some therapist and counselors like to call body dysmorphic disorder.

To me, I thought I was the same size as  The Empire State Building. BIG AND BOXY. In all actuality I am not. I am a decent sized human being that happens to have curves in her body. For YEARS I would put down my image any chance that I could. I consistently walk around and have little to no self-esteem because I am not as "pretty" as the next girl. I obsessed over my weight and insufficiency to be as small as my 7th grade sister. My senior year of high school I finally got the help I was looking for! I was in counseling due to my high anxiety levels, and that I would not talk to anyone anymore. Through counseling we were able to sort through many of my stressors from my family, my relationship with a horrible boyfriend, and we were able to dig down deep and figure out the root of a lot of my self-esteem issue MY WEIGHT.

Looking back through pictures now, I was a healthy in-shape young woman who was so self conscious that I looked like a whale! It's taken me years to realize that this was not the case, and even more so realize that no matter my size I am beautiful the way that I am.

Did You Know: 1 in 4 college women have an eating disorder.

1 in 4! That is such an alarming and sickening statistic! Our minds have become so warped by reality television that we have to harm our bodies to be accepted by the world. I myself have fallen victim of my generation and this statistic. 

Over the past few years I have had a huge problem with gaining and losing weight. I would lose then gain, lose then gain, and I would never feel comfortable walking in my own skin everyday. I fell victim to using food as a comfort. I felt bad, I wanted to eat! I live in the south, and not to brag but the food in Mississippi is so GOOD! I would eat through my emotions; chocolate, ice cream, Chinese food, burgers... Whatever I knew was going to make me happy. I would also secretly eat-especially when I was home with my parents. Stress-eating, over-eating, deciding how, when and if I wanted to eat was a control for me. Somedays I would feel down about my life and I just opted not to eat, other days I wanted to eat everything insight.  I would eat and eat and eat until I feel full, until I feel okay with myself, and in high school this was okay for me to do, because I played tennis and danced. After high school is really when I began to notice this pattern.

I never really owned up to this problem until about six months ago. I just never dealt with the problem. About 2 months ago, everything came crashing down on me. I had a mental break, I realized that I am sitting at my biggest weight today. My friends consoled me "saying you are beautiful the way you are." "You're not as big as you think you are!!" It took me a good 24 hours to come to terms with how much I had gained, what size I currently was, and to be proactive about losing weight the healthy way. Becoming "skinny" or focusing on unrealistic goals were no longer acceptable. I am 98% sure that the only reason that I am staying in such a positive mind frame is because of the people in my life. I also think it helps to know that I am not alone. That there are others out there who struggle with the same thoughts that I have. One of my favorite people on earth  Harriet Turk went through the same thing... except on a whole different spectrum, and I never knew it until just a few months ago. 

I guess all that I am trying to say is that no matter your size, no matter what the media says, or even that your parents think... It's how you feel about yourself. I don't have some big call to action, or even dramatic point to make. All I know is that it is a process, and a journey to learn how to love yourself. It doesn't just happen overnight. It really did take me 21 years to learn how to love who I am. Be patient, It does happen... surround yourself with people who love you and it will make the journey a little easier.


With love,
Emily.


Ps: I can't even tell you how much this video has helped me : The Hidden Phenomenon . 

Oh yeah and lets just talk about how amazing Jennifer Lawrence is