The deeper side of life.

Small. Large.
Tall. Short.
"Skinny" v. "Overweight".
Beautiful v. Ugly. 
Brunette v. Blonde.
Airbrushed v. Photoshopped.

Our society today has engrained a stigma into the girls of my generation's brains. We millennial children have had to grow up with the ever populating trend of being "thin is in" mindset. From Facebook, Twitter, magazines, and tv... we have never been able to get away from it. With that, our culture has created a monster. It has created a thought in almost every female's head "Im not as _________ enough as ______." You can fill in the blanks.

If it's one thing that I have learned over the years, it's that in our society it really is difficult to TRULY love who you are and how you are made. I love my mother to pieces ... but like her mother she engrained a permanent thought into my head. The thought being that I am not small enough, or the size that I need to be to be considered "skinny" or small. I catch myself saying it all the time "I can't wear a single thing in my closet...." or "UGH I have gained so much weight" and my favorite "I just can't even look at myself in the mirror... I look like a whale." I have always felt like I have struggled with being a "bigger" person. I have what some therapist and counselors like to call body dysmorphic disorder.

To me, I thought I was the same size as  The Empire State Building. BIG AND BOXY. In all actuality I am not. I am a decent sized human being that happens to have curves in her body. For YEARS I would put down my image any chance that I could. I consistently walk around and have little to no self-esteem because I am not as "pretty" as the next girl. I obsessed over my weight and insufficiency to be as small as my 7th grade sister. My senior year of high school I finally got the help I was looking for! I was in counseling due to my high anxiety levels, and that I would not talk to anyone anymore. Through counseling we were able to sort through many of my stressors from my family, my relationship with a horrible boyfriend, and we were able to dig down deep and figure out the root of a lot of my self-esteem issue MY WEIGHT.

Looking back through pictures now, I was a healthy in-shape young woman who was so self conscious that I looked like a whale! It's taken me years to realize that this was not the case, and even more so realize that no matter my size I am beautiful the way that I am.

Did You Know: 1 in 4 college women have an eating disorder.

1 in 4! That is such an alarming and sickening statistic! Our minds have become so warped by reality television that we have to harm our bodies to be accepted by the world. I myself have fallen victim of my generation and this statistic. 

Over the past few years I have had a huge problem with gaining and losing weight. I would lose then gain, lose then gain, and I would never feel comfortable walking in my own skin everyday. I fell victim to using food as a comfort. I felt bad, I wanted to eat! I live in the south, and not to brag but the food in Mississippi is so GOOD! I would eat through my emotions; chocolate, ice cream, Chinese food, burgers... Whatever I knew was going to make me happy. I would also secretly eat-especially when I was home with my parents. Stress-eating, over-eating, deciding how, when and if I wanted to eat was a control for me. Somedays I would feel down about my life and I just opted not to eat, other days I wanted to eat everything insight.  I would eat and eat and eat until I feel full, until I feel okay with myself, and in high school this was okay for me to do, because I played tennis and danced. After high school is really when I began to notice this pattern.

I never really owned up to this problem until about six months ago. I just never dealt with the problem. About 2 months ago, everything came crashing down on me. I had a mental break, I realized that I am sitting at my biggest weight today. My friends consoled me "saying you are beautiful the way you are." "You're not as big as you think you are!!" It took me a good 24 hours to come to terms with how much I had gained, what size I currently was, and to be proactive about losing weight the healthy way. Becoming "skinny" or focusing on unrealistic goals were no longer acceptable. I am 98% sure that the only reason that I am staying in such a positive mind frame is because of the people in my life. I also think it helps to know that I am not alone. That there are others out there who struggle with the same thoughts that I have. One of my favorite people on earth  Harriet Turk went through the same thing... except on a whole different spectrum, and I never knew it until just a few months ago. 

I guess all that I am trying to say is that no matter your size, no matter what the media says, or even that your parents think... It's how you feel about yourself. I don't have some big call to action, or even dramatic point to make. All I know is that it is a process, and a journey to learn how to love yourself. It doesn't just happen overnight. It really did take me 21 years to learn how to love who I am. Be patient, It does happen... surround yourself with people who love you and it will make the journey a little easier.


With love,
Emily.


Ps: I can't even tell you how much this video has helped me : The Hidden Phenomenon . 

Oh yeah and lets just talk about how amazing Jennifer Lawrence is

-a letter to me-

Dear high school self:

I just want to start off by saying: you're an amazing person! You are caring, sweet, and pleasantly hard headed. Im not saying at close to the age of 21 you have changed too much, your the same person just much wiser to the world. Even though you are eager to move out, move on, and live your life... cherish those small moments that high school brings to you. This year was particularly tough, but this year is going to teach you more about life that you wish to know at the moment... but as you grow and learn about life you will be thankful for those tough trials. I'm not writing this to warn you, or to even change the past! I'm writing to tell you to stop and enjoy life, and to learn to love every detail about it. Stop over stressing about the small things and learn to breathe and go with the flow... trust me you will thank yourself later! Don't change a thing about yourself for ANYONE. It takes a while, but you will soon realize that you are perfect the way you are. 

     Yes, a month shy of being 21 you are still a HUGE GOOFBALL. You still would rather take a silly picture rather than a serious one. Not much has changed about your personality either. You would still rather your hair up in a bun than to have to straighten it 24/7, and your go to outfit is always something comfortable and easy.  No worries, Caylan and Jody are still in your life...  you really think they're done ragging on you yet? Nope, they'll probably be around for life. Did you think you would ever have friends from all across the US, you can thanks SPEAKs, SADD, SAB, and college for that! I know you are worried that life after high school is going to be overwhelming. But realize even though you got denied that scholarship from Southern Miss, you will end up there... just takes you a year to get there. Don't rush away the moments you have. You will get to Southern Miss but you still have to take a few more steps to get there. What you can't see is the beauty of your life at this time! 

Life would be SO different for you now, in the present, if you had gone straight to USM. You wouldn't have met majority of your friends at USM through the transfer student welcome week group or your best friend from Holmes CC. You probably never would have joined a sorority, or even been able to work for the student advisory board for freshman and sophomore year of college. Carrie Underwood says it best, "Its easy to get lost inside your problems that seem so big at the time. It's like a river that is so wide, it swallows you whole. While you sitting around, thinking about what you can't change and worrying about ALL of the wrong things. Time is flying by, better make it count because you can't get it back." Quit focusing on the negative of the situation. I promise you will learn to love life, takes you trial and error to get there. 

Lastly, you've over come so much at just sixteen. Take the time to BE A KID. One day you're going to look back and wish you wouldn't have stressed about a part-time job at Justice so much! I have to say your future gets better every day... new opportunities come your way and you a huge asset to a lot of people. I'll give you a short glimpse into your future... just a sneak peak though. 

With MUCH Love, 

Your 20 year old self 

PS: Change you're major six times.. you'll love where it ends up! ;)

Cheers to a NEW YEAR and another chance to make it Right... (3 weeks late!!)

Caylan (best friend)

Last night my professor quoted The Lorax. She said that this was her mantra for teaching special needs students. Directly she was talking about how she cared for the students so much she put forth the extra effort when other teachers wouldn't.  

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot... Nothing is going to get better. Its not. - Dr Seuss's Lorax

 I began thinking about my life, the things I am involved in, and mostly how my life has changed over the last few months. No not changed like I'm getting married (SHOUT OUT to Heather and Caylan though.... Can't wait for both of your weddings :D), but it has taken some very interesting and impactful twists and turns.

                                         Since my last post in July, a LOT has happened. 
                                         [2012 was apparently a year of change for this chick.]

• For starters, I finished my most painful and dreadful class of my college career... COLLEGE ALGEBRA! I had prolonged my pain until the summer before my junior year of college... that tells you how MUCH I despise math. 
• I moved into my FIRST apartment!
• With the help of Dr. Jennifer Ducksworth and Ms. Toni Anderson - who gave me the swift kicks in the butt I needed- I can say now that I am in the clear academically, and now have a better outlook on many things. (explanation later I promise) 
• I came to realize HOW important my family and friends are to my survival. Without them I couldn't make it through this beautiful mess of a life. 

My goal after SADD Nationals was to keep up this blog post about the fun little quirky events in my life. BUT... School happened and I had to keep up a blog for another class, so this had to take a seat on the back burner for a while. So now we play catch up!

In August, like I mentioned I moved into my first apartment. Its been fun so far, my roommates and I have had our share of differences and have had of hair pulling out but through all the events in apt 821- we are like a little family. AND NOW WE HAVE KITTENS (yeah idk how long this will actually last!) When I started the semester I decided to go through 'rush'. It was fun, I got to see what sorority life was really about. There are some amazing women in every chapter at The University of Southern Mississippi, I was not chosen to be apart of one... Yes a little crushed I came to realize what was most important at that moment.... my degree. I needed to breakaway and really focus. Which I did! Thanks to Dr. Ducksworth and Mrs. Anderson. 

Something I love about my university is our advisors, professors, and program directors truly care (well in the ELEM ED/SPECIAL ED dept) about the success of us as students. Ms. Anderson pushed me to answer the TOUGHEST questions of my life. Did I actually WANT to be a teacher? IS USM the school for me? Should I just quit and work? But most of all... What did I, EMILY BOOTH, want for MYSELF. 

HBAE- the blogging queen-

I never really ever answered these questions, what did I want? After not talking about any of this (which is what I do when I am uneasy/questioning things) for a few weeks, I broke down and called my mom. She listened as I had my bi-yearly melt down (my fellow blogger HBAE talked me through all of them last year... but she was in class!) and contemplated quitting school, transferring to another university, changing my major, moving home and finding someone to sub-lease my apartment... I went on and on about the options and my mom, in her typical fashion, told me to calm down and just breathe "Life is bumpy if it wasn't difficult it wouldn't be worth enjoying. You'll get there and stumble across the right decision but I am always here to listen!" I love my mom just like that I felt instantly better and knew I would figure it out. 24 hours later I was in advisement talking with Dr. Manning about the following semester, confident in my decisions in classes and excited I get a call from my mom. This had to be one of the most terrifying phone calls of my life... My step-dad was rushed into emergency surgery to have a STENT put in his heart. While this sounds routine and  normal... He is only 43 years old and not to mention his father died of a young-ish age from a massive heart-attack. 

Joanna (the roommate)

How I made it from campus to my apartment is still a blur, I walked in and saw my roommate Joanna and broke down... we packed my bags and I made it to Jackson in 45 minutes flat. In that drive back I realized how important my friends, family, and life were. I was conveniently slapped in the face with all the answers to my questions I had been pondering for over a month. 

Michelle, Angela, Me, Joanna.

In short, I realized that there are bigger things in life than the small set-backs. I was having to retake courses and was pushed back a semester graduating. In retrospect it was not that huge of a deal. Ms. Anderson did more than just make me answer the "tough" questions. She helped me to realize my potentials as a student, which has done more for me than anything else.  She made me realize that while IN THIS MOMENT things were tough... it is the moments, seconds, and days after the fact that are affected by what you decided to do. What on GODs green earth does that mean? Your situation(s) do not define who you are, or who you are yet to become. There comes a point in your life when you realize that what you want or want to become takes putting every hurt, transgressions, and even mistakes behind you. As hard as that may be, if you don’t you will let the situation win and take control over your life, and have accomplished nothing... 

work on NYE.. boo

I know this is a little deeper than I normally write but like I said 2012 did a number on my life. 2013 so far has taught me that it's time to grow up and do the tough things that I don't want to do... LIKE go to work on NYE, but hey the bills have to get paid!


Until next time...
Emily

PS: These online classes are turning me into a night owl... 2013 may turn into a year's worth of blogging... Im about to go twitter on y'all #OhGoodLawwd

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My life as I know it.. (well the next three weeks)

Summer School: In high school this meant you failed a class and were being punished by sitting in class for 6 weeks forced to relearn this subject. In college, one is willingly giving up four (or more) weeks of their life to cram a semesters worth of knowledge into their brain. Why I do this to myself, I will never know. Last summer I took two biology's and speech (which I LOVED), this summer I am taking college algebra.

Have I ever mentioned, I. HATE. MATH!! 

Well, not really. I don't hate it... I just do not understand it. That and I have always been told by teachers that I am really not good in math, from a young age I have had a HUGE complex with this. No one has ever sat down and broke it down to where I could understand it (with the exception of Mrs. Shivers). So in college I brought this complex along for the ride. I started off in Beginning Algebra, then I loved Intermediate Algebra SO MUCH that I decided I would take it twice! When I signed up for class at Holmes I was told that I would have to take a placement test to see if I had the knowledge to be in College Algebra. I thought, oh okay no big deal. I took the test and was able to "waiver" myself into college algebra. What this mean: I scored on an intermediate level but I am knowingly placing myself into College Algebra. When I signed my form the academic counselor said " 80% of the people who take this course and waiver in fail the class..." In my mind I am thinking.. WHY THE CRAP AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!?!

Week one of class has gone by, and I am passing. Wait. No, I have a B in this class. I decided if I was going to continue on with my college career I was going to have to take the fears and the doubts that I had about myself and push through! When I decided to let the past go and not let those past teachers' comments have effect on me, I won half of the battle. Now, don't get me wrong I am also working my BUTT off, I have a tutor and my friends are helping me understand the homework assignments. But letting go of the past and the determination to push through is all it took.

Goal for the class is to come out with a B+ and I actually think that I am well on my way to achieving my goal!

Considering I have more homework to do.. I better quit yappin'
later

Me and Charlie Sheen, We're really close friends.

-emily

Number One.

SPEAKs 2009

So, I never have 'regularly blogged.' One because I always tend to forget that I have an account with whatever blog site. Seriously, the last time I had a true "blog" was in the 8th grade when everyone had a XANGA. Remember those days? Well, maybe it was just my school... Fast forward many years later I am giving this another try. Why? Because my life is taking some pretty drastic turns for the better. Which is very exciting! I am simple southern girl. I love the south, and even more I love the fact I am from the grand ole state of Mississippi.  I am now a Junior at the University of Southern Mississippi. SOUTHERNMISSTOTHETOP! After many years of changing, I have landed on a major and finally found one that I am excited and happy with. Going from Pre-Law/PolSci to Paralegal Studies, to History/PolSci to History with a Teaching License, to finally Special Education with a minor in History. It's safe to say I am indecisive. But that is one of my few quirks. Almost a year ago, it became clear that I could not deny my gift of working with teens. I loved law, and everything it entailed but I am honestly a people person. Working with kids and teens is one of my God-Given gifts. 

SADD Nationals 2012 w/ MS SAB

Fast forward a little bit. I began working with the Mississippi Student Advisory Board (MS SAB) last summer. I was a member of this board my senior year of high school. I had an amazing time being apart of the board, but I had no idea how working with these teens would change my life. This board is comprised of teens all over the state of Mississippi, with one mission to be the voice of the youth for the state. This mean educating their peers on the daily dangers they face; from texting and driving, drinking and driving, and underage drinking, to drug usage in schools, and one of the hottest topics in today's headlines... bullying.  Throughout the year, these teens spoke to my heart on a daily basis.

I became involved in this program through my high-school SADD (students against destructive decisions) chapter. I fell in love with the organization and all it stood for. Which led to me working for SADD Nationals the summer of my Junior year in DC for their summer legislative team in 2009, SADD SPEAKs. It was safe to say I was "gung-ho" for this organization and on fire to make a difference. But, my senior year held many different obstacles that has taken me a while to over come. It almost felt as if my senior year was a MOUNTAIN that I had to conquer. The mountain?? My father's third marriage was taking place to a woman who I was not very fond of. I had a less than perfect relationship with my ex boyfriend which lead to horrible amounts of stress, self esteem issues, and i'll just say it therapy. A denial letter from a scholarship that I had spent the entirety of my high school career accumulating community service working towards, and it was the downfall of my senior year I felt as if I had nothing to show forth. During the process of that year I let my fears get the best of me. The fears of imperfection.

MS SAB and SADD Affiliates from Pakistan

Fast forward two years, I am a better person for all that I went through. I am stronger, in the sense that I know now what I want out of life. I am slowly learning what my talents and gifts are and realizing that it is okay to stand out and speak up for what I want. Working along side the MS SAB helped me to realize and come to this conclusion. The passion that I had summers ago for  SADD and SAB are still burning bright. The best part about it is, my major now includes me continuing to work for these organizations. 

Robin (SAB Advisor/Boss/Lookalike)
and I at Disney Land

I am a week shy of returning from the SADD National Conference that was held in Los Angeles, CA this year. It was an amazing trip, even more so it was rewarding to watch the SAB members carry home the Spirit Stick. It makes being an alumnus of the board and everything that I have gone through the in the past two years worth it. It was much more than a conference, it reassured to me that I am on the right path and doing what I was meant to do with my life. Who knows where this path may take me... Future SADD Advisor?? a Motivational Speaker?? Working alongside the National Office??  Or maybe even with other campaigns and organizations with similar interest? All I know is that I am loving the journey.

(I must say, I pretty proud of my first post!)

Until Later!

-Emily :)